Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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