i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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