I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
