I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
