Your face is a jimmy john
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
