Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
