And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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