we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
