I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
It's never too late to be topless.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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