it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
