First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
