hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
