You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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