Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
