we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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