the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
