just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
