Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
