I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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