Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
