i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
