Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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