Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
