I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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