with your own penis?
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
