another moral hangover. fuck.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
