I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
