I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
