I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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