I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
