Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Randomize
