I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
how drunk are you?
Several
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
