drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
