did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
