I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
sarcasm needs its own font
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
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