I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
