so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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