when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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