Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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