its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
