I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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