so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
