Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
