i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
