he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
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