Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
