____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
