i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
