Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
