do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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