You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
did you just send me my own nude
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
