I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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